Confession: A Deeper Look

I wrote a poem a little while back that I posted titled “Confession.”

I want to revisit my emotions I was feeling as I wrote that post because I received a comment on it and while I ultimately agreed with the comment, I was feeling something a little different.

Here’s the link to the post: Confession

At the time I wrote Confession, I was dealing with wondering why my life isn’t turning out to be all that I expected it to be. I often have my moments where I will reflect on my fairytale dreams and wonder why I can’t get the reactions out of life that I’m seeking. I have times when I dream about being in love again and realize how bad I want that feeling back. Then I started asking myself if I was even capable of loving somebody that deeply at this point.

I’m not.

I haven’t fully accepted myself for the person I am, so how can I expect somebody to fully accept me as I am? That’s where I began. I visioned myself talking to a mirror. In the poem, I speak as if I am beckoning the person I know I am and the person I know I can be to unite. I am begging my alter ego to join forces with my original personality.

I felt a sense of this being the first time I have tried to find peace within and to maintain this stability forever. I believe that being in love is one of the strongest bonds (for better or worse) that people emotionally witness. While, my two halves (each with conflicting characteristics) join forces, I imagined that being in love with myself could seal the bond I needed to fully accept myself on both ends (the good and the bad, the powerful and submissive, the emotional and the stubborn….) every conflicting pair of personality traits that I know I posses.

My goal is that after I love myself. I can fully love again.   (:

 

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Picky Humans

I sat here for about twenty minutes trying to find out how to start off this post and I couldn’t remember how I started thinking about the topic I am about to discuss…. so something told me to look at my screenshots in my phone and eureka! I came across a conversation between me and a guy I used to “talk” to. He asked, “What do you think the world would be like if we had the power to change what we wanted about people?” I simply replied, “It would be disastrous.”

This conversation took place about six months ago, but I always find myself thinking about the way I have this perfect image in my head of how I wish people were.

I have only dated three guys that I thought were the finest people walking the face of the earth. I have only dated two guys who have treated me like complete gentlemen. I have only had two guy friends who have ALWAYS kept my interest in conversation and I actually find myself, even today, craving to talk to them. I have only had one guy to completely tell me everything he felt for me, which I absolutely loved because I felt so close to him. I have had two guys tell me that no matter where life took them, they know somehow, they are going to end up marrying me. I have only dated one guy whose values and beliefs keep me in awe because he is the type of man I can see myself with for the long run.

I could continue for a while, but some of these guys were mentioned two or three times in different qualities, while others seem to only have one quality that I adore. The thing is, that perfect image is never meant to be found in one person.

Ystate farmou can’t just be like those insurance commercials where the man changed his girlfriend into this hot perfect-looking babe and, in turn, she turned her boyfriend into this handsome chiseled stud. If we could change people, we would become bored because people aren’t meant to be alike. Why would you want to date the same person every body else has?

One of the most important things I have learned that part of loving somebody (romantic or not) is being able to see their flaws for what they are but understanding that those flaws contribute to who that person is and how they interact with the world.

We are picky humans. We believe we deserve the brightest apple at the top of the tree. Sure, you could have that apple but it won’t come easy.

I think those couples that say “He/She is perfect for me” are either totally delusional or either they have found that they are able to easily to work through differences, able to easily make sacrifices for each other, and able to see their flaws as a puzzle piece of the greater picture of that person’s loveable personality/appearance. I think these people find genuine happiness in being able to listen to each other and pick up on hints that will allow them to show that person their appreciation in ways that they would absolutely love. Some people are happy just being able to spend time. Others enjoy romance. Everybody is different and every couple has their own share of differences and issues, but the beauty of love is that it comes in variety.

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Dealing vs. Expression

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I can only imagine this is what it looks like when my mind tells me not to say how I’m feeling. This is the result of me hiding my reactions, sitting back and dealing. A learned behavior that I can’t let go… because everybody has a problem when I let my opinion show. I would rather let my mind suffer, instead of allow you to use my thoughts against me (which is tougher). When my thoughts are taken as a sign of being unhappy or a cry for help, you lash out and make it hard to explain myself. It is as if I can’t be me, without insulting you. I can’t hide my questions and you won’t silence my view. I’ve prayed for signs and direction, too. I have come to the realization that being truthful is the thing I must do. I have to always express what I’m feeling inside. If you can’t work through things with me and set your pride aside..

I’m afraid this will be our last goodbye.

Run-On

Suddenly, it’s like…  I feel it setting in, you’re my lover you’re my friend and nothing I do or say can take back the memories we’ve made now my head is spinning and words are running on and on like a never-ending song and I love to hear you sing it because you never sing it wrong until we fight… and every night it’s like you want to go but I say no and when you say yes it’s like a bowling ball to my chest and it rips out my soul and I know you know your role and you think you know mine too but I hate to have to tell you I’m not a trophy or a prize and when you don’t look me in the eyes, it’s like you put me on a shelf for people to see but they can’t see because you don’t show me off I’m just collecting dust and I don’t like feeling dirty because deep down it hurts me when I know I’m worth more than being placed in a box…. so let me out.

Confession

I have the most serious confession to lay upon your delicate heart. I have to let it out before it tears us apart. I’m thinking all the time about you and how you make me want to be better. I am blocking all negative things that keep us from moving forward together. I have the most open confession to lay upon your sensitive skin. When I touch you, I silently beg you to let me in. I dream of touching your soul and bringing the purest light. I find myself praying for us to unite. I have the most beautiful confession to lay upon your embracing ears. I want to confess something to alter your most sincere fears. Can I whisper to you this message without you taking it for granted, or worse- Can you promise to try harder, I want this to be the first. I have the most kind confession to lay upon your secretive lips. I must say this before my heart begins to tear – to rip. Open your eyes and become one with yourself and in this frame you’ll see… I’m in love with the reflection in the mirror…. I’m in love with me.

You be the Controller & I’ll be Controlled

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Going back to this time last year I was in a very unhealthy relationship. Instead of expressing his displeasure in me having guy friends, my boyfriend just told me I couldn’t have any. I was home for Christmas break with my family and sank into a deep, deep depression. I didn’t leave the house because I wasn’t “allowed” to. I had rules.
1. You can’t hug guys.
2. You can’t reply to tweets from guys.
3. You can’t text another guy.
4. You can’t talk on the phone with guys.
5. You can’t sit by guys in class.
6. You can’t hang out with guys.

So…. I didn’t. I thought that maybe if I just did what he told me, we would be happy. Then, he became paranoid. Always asking me who I’ve been talking to and who I was with.

Being controlled is one of the worst things, ever. At the time, neither of us believed in trust. Neither of us were happy.

I’m happy now because I don’t even want those things. Adjusting my rearview mirror, but I’m not looking back. (: