I am at Peace

Peaceful_Spring_by_PhilipMatthewsI am at peace. I have shaken off the dirty, grudge-soaked roots of my soul and ran them under a crisp, cool stream full of faith and redemption. I have carried them far, far away from the low valley that has been darkened to the deepest shade of purplish grey with grief.  My healer has shown me the path to a place where I can thrive amongst the beautiful, new, blossoming people. We are united here. I am breathing a new, heavenly air that I have never inhaled so sincerely. A joyous vibe travels through my veins and curls my toes at the rapturous sound of peace. I tiptoe across the miles of love that have been cast all around me, engulfing my fears in unmeasurable amounts. My dreams have sprouted wings and my shoulders point to the sky at the most upward point as my chin tilts up because my sense of self-worth has never been more apparent.

Vision

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What is beautiful… is chasing the lights with your eyes in the darkness of the interstate. Racing eyes as they pace to make dreams. Many are asleep, while others have seen the things that can only be seen at the time when seeing things goes unseen. By this I mean, of course, my course is different. I notice what others don’t care for. I love the things that mean more. More to me but nothing to you. I see things that are visible to few. – Enough of that let me show you what you lack. I see a tower and I may stare for an hour or so, and I’ll wonder how many people stepped on the tenth floor, how many diverse places those people have travelled and come across. I wonder when… when will the places where they have been and where I am will meet. Our paths  may cross and we might not even know it.

That is beautiful.

Mood

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You change me. I’m sitting here and you change me. It is as if you leap into my mind and alter everything inside so I cannot think clearly. You move to my eyes making them shift and look at the ground because I know the ground won’t hold me to any expectations. Then, all of the sudden you’re on my lips making them overflow with words I don’t mean, but it is much too late. I can’t take back the words you make me say after they have fallen upon attentive ears. In no time, you have consumed my soul, and before I know it you are making me shut everything out and I just want to sleep or stay busy. You crawl into my legs to keep me from moving. You block my nerves and enforce a careless, nonchalant vibe when talking to others. They judge me because of you. You take my life away. People ask questions I’d rather not answer. I’d rather not talk because you, mood, have put me in this horrible place.

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I’m the conversation you don’t want to have and the feelings you wish would go away.

I’m the image in the mirror after waking up and realizing nothing is right.

I’m the chair you sit in that hurts because you can’t grasp the concept of reality.

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I’m the friends who point out the obvious and the significant other that left you.

I’m the questions from your family that you try to avoid.

I’m the glare from your boss when you don’t feel like working.

I’m the clothes you don’t want to put on because this day isn’t meant to be spent alone.

I’m the blank stare on your face when you have lost all emotion.

I’m the only thing you have left because everything else, is gone.

Character Traits

I’m sitting at work right now and I was trying to come up with something to write about. It is not that it is hard for me to write, I just have so many ideas I don’t know which to choose. Usually, I get all of my ideas while I’m in the shower. Then again, who doesn’t have those philosophical moments while in the shower. Anyway, I printed off a list of character traits from the internet and decided to mark the ones that I thought described me the best. Out of 282 possible words, I marked 81 words. I also asked three of my friends to choose ten from the list that best described me (Friend #3 knew me the least).

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  • Friend #1 chose six traits that were not included in the 81 I marked for myself.
  • Friend #2 chose four traits that were not included in the 81 I marked for myself.
  • Friend #3 chose seven traits that were not included in the 81 I marked for myself.

As I’m sitting here thinking about the outcome of this little experiment. It is hard for someone to predict the way other people see them. It was pretty amazing to take the time out and see what character traits other people associate with me. However, it is easy for me to look at the choices they made and see specific examples of why they may have said those things. Every person I encounter may associate me with memories that we share. Some memories may be good while others may be not-so-good. I worry a lot about people’s view of me. Not because I value their opinion but one of my biggest fears is disappointing people. I don’t want to have lingering conflicts with anyone when they could easily be resolved.

Asking people what character traits they think best describe me allows me to get a better understanding of not only what they see but what they admire or look down on the most. It is a good measure of what is important to them as well. Personally, I chose traits that I loved about myself and traits I wanted to change about myself. I chose “Immature” because sometimes when I do physics work I will pout and whine about not wanting to do it. I chose “Moody” because my mood changes a lot, and I hate it. Also, I’m sure the more people I asked who were close to me, the more honest answers I’d receive. For example, Friend #2 knows me very well. This explains the “moody” and “opinionated” choices.

I have realized that most of my self-proclaimed negative traits are often balanced by traits that are positive. I marked “Cold Hearted” and “Compassionate” because I know examples where I have shown both character traits. Overall, I’m glad I was able to reflect on my character traits today.

 

Samantha, I Just Want You To Know…

The words that follow “Samantha, I Just Want You To Know…” have always been defining moments in my life. Whether good or bad, this phrase has always caused my life to change.

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I remember being in my family’s game-room with my best friend, Zherenae, who lived up the street from me, and coming into the living room wondering why my mom, dad, and brother were sitting on the couch staring at me. This must have been around the summer before I began high school (I have a bad memory).  Of course, as delicate as the situation was, and as the youngest of two children, my parents decided that I should be the last to know. My dad looked at my mom – she nodded – and he began, “Samantha, I Just Want You To Know I’m going to be going to Iraq in a few months, but I’ll be back in a year.” My stomach ate my heart as fast as a frog snatches a fly out of mid-air and my eyes watered as I looked at my best friend and my thoughts poured over my face: NO. My life is ruined. My dad is going to miss my first year of high school. Why can’t someone else go? Don’t go Daddy. DON’T GO. This is SO not fair. I did a LOT of growing up that year. Sometimes I drifted into the wrong path but I had to quickly realize that he was doing what he had to do. As a daddy’s girl, I worried EVERY DAY.

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I don’t think I quite remember how this devastating event happened, but I think I  just came home from school and I saw my mom’s car. This NEVER happened. My mom is a director of a daycare in a city about twenty minutes from my home town and she didn’t get home until about three hours after I did. I opened the front door and just as I was about to take off my book bag she hugged me, looked in my eyes, and said  “Samantha, I Just Want You To Know they found cancer in the lump in my breast.” I was stunned. I couldn’t react. I didn’t know how I was going to live. Even the chance of losing my mother made it very hard for me to function. Then came the tears. I knew exactly when I started crying she would, too. So, we cried together. My mom is a very strong woman. Cancer didn’t defeat her, but it sure did wear her body down. Seeing a loved one battle something like cancer is very heartbreaking. With a HUGE support system and an overwhelming amount of prayers, my mom became a survivor.

 

UntitledIt was my freshman year in college and I was having a rough time adjusting and managing my time. I wanted to be social and studious at the same time while dealing with being away from my first love and finding out that my very best childhood friend, Maria, passed away. I received a phone call from my mom while I was outside of my dorm hall during a fire drill. She sounded so excited but confused at the same time as she happily sighed,  “Samantha, I Just Want You To Know your brother may be a father.” ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. I cried and bragged to everybody for the next month. I was so excited to share the news. I mean sure, I wasn’t too fond of my brother’s ex-girlfriend at the time and the whole situation could have been much more joyful if we had been present for his birth, but a nephew? YES, PLEASE! My nephew, Slate, (in the picture) just turned three this weekend and that little boy is my world. He truly taught me what it meant to love someone more than I love myself.

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I will never forget the day I received a phone call from my mother during my Physics I class. I answered the phone and my mom softly, in tone I familiarize with her having tears in her eyes, spoke “Samantha, I Just Want You To Know your Paw-Paw is taking his last breaths.” My eyes filled up with tears once again as I made sure my mom was going to be okay, hung up the phone, prayed, and then I returned to my class. My grandfather’s passing was not so hard on me since he (shown in the picture with me) had been on life support for over a week and I had made the two-hour drive to the hospital on several occasions to see him in a very sedated state. The doctors prepared everybody for the worst by stating, “Most people who are put on life support have a very slim chance of making it off.” Most people would pray for good health and for him to pull through. Although, at first, I did pray for his health and I had a great deal of hope and faith. After making that first drive, after seeing him, after seeing him struggle to lift his hand to wave to me… I began to ask God to take him home where he belonged. Truth is, this corrupt world we live in is our temporary home. This is not where we belong. We belong with our Heavenly Father.

I have dreams that some day the man I love will lovingly look me in my eyes and tell me something beginning with “Samantha, I Just Want You To Know…” and say something so powerful and meaningful that will bring tears of joys to my eyes.