Sidetracked Thoughts

I’m having all of these contradicting thoughts like…

I could’ve been a better ex-girlfriend. Wait… what? Samantha are you serious right now? You deserve way better. Then I’m like, no. I deserved him.  No.  I didn’t. I obviously wasn’t enough, but I was probably too much for him. I’m happier letting go, but it makes me sad to wonder “What If?” But those things get you nowhere, because you can’t wait for somebody to love you the way you need to be loved. If time is what he needed maybe you need it to. To move on. That’s the hard thing to do, right? Not really. Waiting was much harder because he didn’t know what he was waiting on. And he wasn’t really waiting? Was he? Was I? Was I really waiting? Letting other people come into my life and take pieces of me away. They touched my mind in ways he never did, but he had my heart and they never could. It’s too late now. The decision has been made and I kind of like it like this. It only hurts when I think of him not being there for me through my journey. I’ve changed too much this past year and I’m only learning. I’m learning to be better without him and better by myself. I’m not alone though. I never have been. I never will be because there is always something waiting for me. Even when I was waiting for him and that’s funny because he waited on me once. I gave in because I thought it would be worth it. It was worth it, to me. It will always have been worth it, True love is worth it. Even though he never fell in love with me the way I fell for him. It was still worth it. 

Undo

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Tapping my feet to keep a steady beat since my heart doesn’t have one anymore.
And I’m sitting here holding back the tears because of the fears I have of being without you.
I know I’ll be fine but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you around.
And even though I sound sad I’m not because I know I fought for something that meant everything to me.
Now my blood pressure is rising…
Telling myself I should’ve never sent that text.
Then, realizing I was always asking YOU “What’s next?”
I was afraid to give you a choice because you’d never choose me.
Had my feelings on lock and there was never a key.
I found happiness in others but never like I have in you.
A button in my mind, I pressed it, “undo.”
Thoughts can’t vanish and memories can’t be destroyed.
I’m not upset or angry, just extremely annoyed.