I had somebody tell me that his favorite pictures of me were the ones that weren’t planned. The pictures of me when I wasn’t all dolled up and posing with my head tilted toward my “good side. ” The pictures I’d beg him to delete. The ones that made me uncomfortable. The moments captured without careful consideration of how perfect my hair was or how you couldn’t see the side of my nose because I’m self conscious about that. He said his favorite were the genuine pictures. The pictures that I delete when I feel they don’t meet my standards. He didn’t say it….and I never asked, but that’s how I knew he loved me.
I am emotional and attention seeking.
I am unreasonable and always fleeing.
I am irrational, moody, and I’m always worried about the wrong thing.
I am lacking confidence in us and to him it is constantly draining.
I am negative more than not and only see things my way.
I am displeased and you can tell it by the faces I display.
I am dramatic, torn and completely misguided.
I am opposing, immature, and frequently undecided.
To him, I am a crazy mess with each of these traits.
I am like a never-ending broken record… a system- no updates.
I’d like to be somebody worth showing unconditional love,
But with him that is something I will always fall short of.
I used to have this deep passion to write and express my feelings. It’s true that I do have a lot more on my plate now in graduate school than I did during my time as an undergraduate student, however, something is missing. I find myself spending my free time examining things that don’t need my attention. I find myself sleeping instead of daydreaming. I don’t want to live like this. I’m currently surrounded by some Soothe&Sleep bubbles (via Dr Teal’s Lavender Foaming Bath), and I have a glass of wine sitting on my bath pillow that I’m balancing with my knees because I don’t belive I truly trust the inflatable pillow (wine wasn’t meant to waste). I’m thinking I should spill some emotion on paper… or on here…like I used to. Although some people in my life say I’m too emotional… and that has sucked the passion from flowing out of my fingertips. I’m sad.
Less interested. Less interesting.
Thoughts of a future are diminishing.
More time away. Less time for communicating.
Resentment and disappointment continually accumulating.
3am conversations with online personalities.
Thoughts of something new, an escape from this reality.
Sick of lies and exhausting games we’re playing.
Still hopes of us, but tired of waiting….
Programmed for you. Programmed for us.
Noting my faults to minimize the fuss
Strain in our relationship from my insecurities and emotion
Wishing you could see my heart, my intentions – devotion
Like a horse with blinders, baby you have all of my attention
And when I’m with others, it’s you that I mention
Our conversation left me in a higher appreciation for all you do
I know love isn’t always easy, but I truly believe we can pull through
Who you are has become a part of who I am and who I want to be
Your great morals and patience are more than attractive to me
What I hope to spread over the base of our love
Is effortless positivity with someone I think the world of
You know my capabilities and I want to show you more
Climbing the stairs of our relationship, we’re only on the first floor.